The Tough Conversations
Before I became a mom I did what so many do by consuming books, articles and theories on parenting, as well as seeking advice from those who have walked before me. They were all valuable to varying degrees, but I also believe it is valuable to draw upon your own experiences and passions as a parent. I knew early on that I had a passion for open dialogue with my future children, a desire to talk about all the hard stuff in hopes that, not if, but when, my children encountered life’s difficulties we would have established that openness.
Body safety is obviously a passion for us here at ICPYAS, but it has long been a passion of mine as a parent. I chose to start talking to my children about private body parts and the importance of keeping them safe early on in their toddler years. I picked bath time for these conversations because we could talk about some of the good reasons a trusted adult might need to help with private body parts, including helping you bathe.
I feel there are two reasons parents choose not to have these discussions and both are based on fear. The first is that some believe we are then putting this idea in their head and it will cause them to focus on it, worry about it or, possibly, say it has happened when it hasn’t. The second reason is that we might have some past shame in this area and it is uncomfortable for us. We fear that if we discuss it with our children, it will wrap them up in this shame we carry. I do understand these fears; however, I don’t believe children analyze these conversations as we do. They have no past experiences or outside influences telling them this is a taboo topic. If we discuss the topic practically, they will follow suit. I know this is easier said than done. One helpful tip might be practicing with a friend or spouse so when you have the conversation with your children it feels more natural. For too long we have allowed the silence to perpetuate the problem. Perpetrators know no one wants to discuss this and are using it for their benefit. When we shine a light on the problem, it’s more difficult for them to hide in the darkness.
Knowledge gives children power to know that if anyone touches them inappropriately it isn’t okay and they can speak to someone they trust about it. It gives them the confidence that we are here to walk with them and do the hard work to protect them. If we choose to never discuss it we are taking away the opportunity for our children to shield themselves with this knowledge and giving the perpetrator the ability to define what is okay and what isn’t. Before the age of 18 one in four girls and one in six boys are sexually abused. We really don’t want to take the gamble that it isn’t going to happen to our child.
When we venture into schools and share with your children the importance of keeping their bodies safe, you might be surprised about how eager children are to ask questions and share their ideas. They aren’t just ready, but they are willing and excited to learn how to protect themselves. You can continue this dialogue at home and reiterate your desire to keep them safe.
As my children have gotten older, I’ve worked toward the next hard topics – drug abuse, suicide, sex, drunk driving, social justice, feeling left out, etc. None of these conversations are easy and I am not claiming to be an expert or even suggesting I am superb at it, but they open doors for trust, confidence, the feeling they are not alone and empowerment. It is encouraging to me that a “messy” conversation is better than no conversation and maybe even preferred. Again, if we don’t have these discussions other people in our children’s lives will fill in the blanks for us. We are taking the risk that they will receive inaccurate information that could be hurtful to them.
Nelson Mandela said, “There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its children.” Help us protect ALL the children by arming them with information. Knowledge is power!
Lisa Valadez, Lead Education Specialist