Having "The Talk"

One of the most powerful tools in our safety toolbox is talking to our children. When parents talk to their kids about their bodies, rules about touching, and what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like, we are teaching them to recognize when someone may be trying to manipulate them to abuse them. Having those talks – and these should be ongoing conversations about safety – we set ourselves up as the person our kids turn to when they have questions or concerns. And it removes the taboo around talking about sexual abuse. Removing that taboo is so important because many times people who sexually abuse children exploit that taboo to groom children for sexual abuse and to keep them from telling.

Having these talks can seem daunting. So often after I facilitate a Stewards of Children class, parents ask me for suggestions on how to have these talks. They are unsure what information they should share with their child at different ages. Parents are worried they are going to scare their child. And they are worried their child is going to say penis or vagina during storytime at school. While there is little we can do to prevent our kids from oversharing at the most inopportune time, we can talk with our kids in a very positive way so that safety from sexual abuse becomes a part of our family culture.

What information to share with at different ages can vary based on your child’s development, what situations they encounter, and your family’s personal belief system. It is not a one-size-fits-all approach but there are some general guidelines that can be helpful. I always encourage parents to start early if they can by just using proper names for body parts. Diaper changes, bath time, and potty training give us many great opportunities to do this. Somewhere in the 4 to 6-year range, kids are typically ready to learn some basic rules around grooming, private parts and touching. Our friends over at Darkness to Light have a great blog on opportunities in Disney movies to talk about body safety rules. I encourage parents to be very concrete and use examples. Our school-based body safety program has some great language for this. Our Body Safety Specialists teach kids that no one should look at or touch their private parts for “no good reason”, and they give examples of when there may be a good reason like if you are hurt or go to the doctor. Around age 8, kids start talking to one another about where babies come from and comparing notes. Some kids may also be showing some signs of puberty at this age. If parents talk to their kids about puberty and have some preliminary conversations about sex before then, we can make sure the information they get is accurate and what we feel they are ready for. We become the expert for them rather than another 8-year-old on the playground. I encourage parents to let their child’s questions guide these conversations, be honest when they do not know or aren’t sure how to explain something and revisit it later with their kids. As our children get older, talk more about what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like, about consent, and especially about online safety. Youth are using technology more frequently and at earlier ages now. While placing limits on their online activity and technology use is important, equally important is teaching them how to safely use technology and navigate the online world. We need to talk to them about online safety, cyber bullying, and what is appropriate online behavior. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children created a wonderful program called NetSmartz that teaches kids (ages 5 and up) about online safety through educational videos and activities. These videos and activities are a great way to start conversations in your family around internet safety. Even if your teen rolls their eyes and appear to tune you out, they are still listening. The Centers for Disease Control reports that – despite what we may think – teens say the biggest influence on their decisions about sex are their parents.

So start early, use those teachable moments so you are talking frequently about safety, and use real life examples to help them figure out if a situation is safe or not and what they would do in a situation like that. By talking to kids about their bodies, healthy boundaries and safety, we remove the taboo that has kept far too many children silent for far too long.

Megan Banet, Grants and Outreach Coordinator